I went to this comedy show in Omaha Nebraska several years ago, Kevin Hart was the headliner before he was a household name. I opted for the VIP tickets, set me back $90 for two tickets, you’d be hard pressed to get two balcony seats at a Kevin Hart show for $90 now. The attire I selected for this comedy show, jeans, a sweater because it was cold, some boots and a cap for my bald head. Our seats were in the balcony with a really good view of the stage and the crowd. There were people from all races and backgrounds and varying levels of over doing it for this show. Apparently, these two guys didn’t get the memo about how comedy shows work, and if you are unsure, it goes like this…If you’re going to be late, wear something normal that blends in with normal people.
Where We Going?
I usually feel the need to put a disclaimer out there when I plan on saying something I know people won’t like. Here goes, I don’t have any issues with people that adhere to any religion, Christianity included. The reason many of my topics point out the absurd, hypocritical, and/or odd aspects of Christianity is because I’m most familiar with it and as a religion it has been used to do some of the worst things known to man. Translation, very easy target. That doesn’t mean I don’t like the adherents; I can be cool with just about anyone. It also doesn’t mean I don’t like the religion itself, nor am I trying to convert people out of their religion. I’m just calling things as I see them, and I am in no way, shape or form, an authority figure on religious matters.
That out the way, we need to talk about Easter. The Jesus death story is similar in nature to the death of Osiris, with the exception being the tale of Osiris is clearly not literal or to be taken as a historical occurrence. Then again, they may have believed it actually happened, but so much of the symbolic stuff is so wacky I can’t imagine them taking it literally. In addition to the “rebirth” myth, there’s also the pagan rituals associated with the timing of, and celebration methods of Easter. I get it though, the goddess of love and fertility Ishtar, pronounced Eesh-Tar, was celebrated around the spring because that was when folks were in baby making mode, crops were planted, fingers crossed and one of the rituals performed to give them good luck for the harvest, they’d decorate eggs. Hold your hats…the symbols associated with Ishtar are eggs and bunnies. So the saying “these people F*&k like rabbits” is because rabbits reproduce often, and that’s what Ishtar was all about.
I guess the funny part of all this for me is the catalyst to this post. I was watching an episode of Drink Champs with Kevin Hart, that made me think back to the first time I saw him perform live. These two guys arrived in pastel suits and hats to match, with some cheap ass Stacy Adams shoes and a clear desire for punishment. At least that is what Corey Holcombe, the opening act, delivered to those guys. The very first, and most obvious crack was about their Easter suits, and the fact that they came in looking like pimps with no hoes. Somehow, my mind connected their Easter suits to a critique on Easter. To be fair, I will be critiquing Christmas too.
All For Follows
It’s easier to convert people when you hit them with “we do that too” after you study what they do and your only goal is amassing power. This was the way of the world then and if we’re being honest with ourselves, that marketing plan was very impactful even if the people celebrating now are clueless to the origins. The spread of Christianity has nothing to do with Jesus, and everything to do with the Catholic Church. The story of Jesus has been conveniently tweaked, reimagined, reinterpreted and reinforced by the Church, not because Jesus was changing, he died hundreds of years before the Church was really established. Instead, this reinventing allowed for the easiest path to power. The inclusion of several myths, rituals and so on are akin to dipping aspirin in a candy coating to make taking it easier. It lends to less resistance and it worked.
I haven’t been to church in a very long time, and outside of funerals or weddings, I have no plans to go anytime soon. I am what many derogatorily call a heathen, except I’m proud of being a heathen. I became a heathen by digging deep into religion, seeing a lot of stuff that my analytical brain couldn’t make sense of, then deciding to investigate outside of the Bible for objective information and answers. The answers made sense and I haven’t subscribed to a religion since then. I do find humor in the two biggest Christian holidays being repurposed Pagan holidays both filled with sex and liquor. In addition to repurposing these holidays, the emphasis of both seems to be kids. I imagine those early door to door gospel spreaders left their quiet confines and showed up to a Pagan party and saw the orgies, women and wine flowing and immediately made the decision to add it to the rotation. The conversation probably went something like this:
Peter: Let us walketh over to Romulus’ place Paul and see what all of this fuss is about with the heathens.
Paul: Yes, we can invite them to a night of worship and backgammon with the fellas.
Peter: Slow down there Paul, we don’t want to over stimulate them with all of our fun.
5 minutes later they arrive to see 300 butt naked people laughing, drinking and having random sex with each other and interested passersby.
Romulus: Aww shit, who invited these guys?
Saturnicus: Wasn’t me, but they are here now sooo…
Romulus: (In a full frontal, proud pose)…Hey guys, can we interest you in some women or wine?
Peter: What is the meaning of this madness?
Saturnicus: Oh, we’re celebrating Ishtar my guy, half off bottle service and the ladies have been tested just in case you were interested.
Paul: We’re not interested in the La-
Peter: We’re here to see if anyone would like to join us for Bible study?
Romulus: Let me stop you right there, this is a sacred moment for us, we’re worshipping right now, praying for a good yield on babies and fig trees, no time to break that up.
Peter: Ahh I see, yeah we do that as well, bring your guys and we’ll make a night of it.
Romulus: Oh bet, is it live? Either way, we’ll bring a few ladies by to that dungeon like building y’all be in with the robes and perfume.
Paul: Women aren’t allowed in the sacred chambers of worship.
Saturnicus: See hell nah Romulus you on your own Rom, I’m not trading all this milk and honey for tattered rags and hard legs.
Peter: Hold up now, just this once, you can bring a few ladies, but they must wait in the other room as to not interrupt guy talk you know.
Romulus: Yeah ok, we can give it a shot, we’ll grab some clothes and meet you there
Paul: Uh, no sir, please come as you are unto the house…just make sure those harlots are fully covered head to toes in whatever fabric you can find.
It may have gone a bit different in reality, but in every scenario I can think of, Paul is the first Catholic priest to perpetuate the whole “no sex with women” thing because he clearly wasn’t into women. Since he didn’t want to partake in women, he likely manipulated his followers and religious texts to say abstinence is Godly, instead of just admitting he was gay from the gitty up. I fully understand this theory would seem outrageous to Catholics and possibly some Protestants…but so are the odd rules against women in Christianity, along with decades (likely centuries) of sexually abusing little boys. From that awkward encounter though, we got Easter suits and Christmas gifts. And if I’m wrong, it wouldn’t be the first time. Happy New Year!