Over the course of my existence, I can say I’ve been quite generous in a lot of ways but not much of a taker in any way. From the time I was a young kid reading the encyclopedia while my brother played basketball, to not wasting my Friday or Saturday nights in smoky clubs as a young adult, to not going to parties to show face as a legit adult, I have always been stingy with giving my F’s out, peer pressure be damned. Fabolous has a song, “We Don’t Give A”, that may as well have been my personal theme song. Some think it’s a crazy way to be, but man it’s rather refreshing.
I also avoid taking L’s as much as possible. You still win some and lose some, but I have adapted my way of thinking to recognize that losses exist, but typically there is a lesson in the loss that will ultimately give me more, so it’s not really a loss when everything is balanced out. It can be attributed to perspective, but I think it has more to do with understanding what I want and need versus what I deem to be BS. If you are constantly giving F’s and feel like you are taking L’s it’s time for a little “be like Doug” practice.
I’m All Out
If you’ve ever walked down the street and encountered a homeless person and all you have is a $20 bill, then you can likely relate a little bit. Not giving a f**k doesn’t necessarily mean you are all out of f**ks to give, it mostly means you don’t have any denomination of f**ks available for this particular moment. You may feel a little bad initially, but it’s like muscle memory over time. There are thousands of reasons to not give a f**k and you really only need one at any given time you refuse to give one.
When I first joined the Air Force and I was living in the dorms, we went to the club weekly. We’d see the same people, doing the same stuff, listening to the same songs, squinting in this dimly lit room, with the same outcome. Temporary ear ringing, maybe a person to sleep with and smokey clothes. That was my take on those weekly trips. It didn’t take long for me to express my feeling of “f**k this”. I began skipping the venue altogether every now and then, lying to my friends saying I’d meet them there. Even when I’d go with my girlfriend I had a deep feeling of “f**k this” so I stopped going with her too. I mean honestly, as a guy, the club is just real life Tinder.
Let me put it this way:
-My odds at talking a girl into sex at the club – 0.00%
-My desire to have sex with a drunk girl to include my girlfriend after the club – 0.00%
-My odds at having sex with my sober girlfriend instead of going to the club 75% – 90%
I knew my priorities and I stuck with them. Yes, the only reason guys go to the club is to meet women to have sex with. Well, some guys go there for dudes, but probably different clubs. I wasn’t a drinker or a dancer so there was very little joy in that for me. As a matter of fact, it was more of a chore to go and engage in BS conversations over loud ass Lil Jon screaming “to the windooooooooows, to the wall”. I could get a few giggles but the introverted side of me would rather drink tea and talk about what’s going on in the world in a relatively quiet setting. That’s just me though. Plus I was having plenty of sex without buying overpriced club drinks.
What do I do with them
“Remember three years ago, I made you go to a party you didn’t want to go to, and I introduced you to a bunch of women you didn’t care about…one of them was Diane”Patrice O’Neal
I save my F’s for events that I don’t really want to go to, but have to go to. The things I enjoy, I go to freely. Sometimes you have to go to things because your significant other needs (really wants) you there. I give F’s in those moments. Recently we were supposed to go to a costume party, I even bought a costume for it. Those that know me personally know that’s a major achievement. This was an event I wanted to go to, however, I slept poorly and spent all day running around doing things I didn’t want to do at all. By the time it was time for us to head to the party, my energy tank was on E. I know me well enough to know I’m unpleasant when I’m all out of social energy.
Got it, what about the L’s
I remember having to work with this guy that routinely did less than his fair share. It was rather annoying, but I covered for him anyway. He ALWAYS took credit for the things I was doing and he repeatedly got rewarded for it. It wasn’t that he was deserving of the credit at all, but he knew how to sell himself to folks. So instead of staying pissed that he was constantly taking the shine I deserved, I learned how to sell my achievements as well…then I stopped covering for him. The reality of how terrible he was quickly came to light and I was promoted in a sense as a result. Taking a loss would have been me remaining upset about the situation. Taking the lesson was using it to overcome the situation.
It’s always good to know when to care and when to care less. I recommend practicing that, and staying true to yourself in the process. Understand your energy and take into consideration how you’d be when you’re full of energy and when you’re out. Eventually, you won’t feel bad when you tell folks “nah, I’m not going”. This applies to the lessons as well. You have to pay attention when people are trying to get over on you, or take your shine. If what they’re doing is working, learn it, leave’em stranded and take the credit you deserve.